The Purge

Google describes a purge as a "removal of an unwanted feeling, memory or condition."

So I found myself going through something long overdue. I have been struggling with my past, it haunts me and it waits for me in every corner of my mind and it is there in every new relationship that I form. 

Was going through my ex's pictures today and I realised that all this time that I was saying I didn't want to be in his life nor did I want to be his friend, I was just expressing self hatred. I've been pretending for so long that it is all OK and that I am OK, but I am NOT and it is NOT OK.

I've been expressing so much hatred for Sihle that I couldn't see that everything that was our relationship, even the end, was deeper than I thought. If I am to be honest the feelings I had for him were exactly how they describe it in the movies, unexpected. I didn't care about being faithful to him in  the beginning, we spent a lot of time talking on the phone and I loved the attention that he gave me. During the first year of our relationship I was with two other guys, ended up hurting one of them, I was such a little bitch.  I cheated on him with one of his best friends, right in the beginning of our relationship, if that was meant to be a test then I failed dismally. 

Eventually I became serious about him and almost a year into our relationship we starting saying "I Love you". I meant it every time I said it, I wanted him and only him, only I didn't know what love was or what it meant. How could I genuinely love this guy if I didn't love myself. They say love is blind and man was I blind to it. I was blind to the first sign of a problem in our relationship and for months he made a fool out of me and I was too immature to handle it well. I thought breaking up was easy and would through it in his face every time we had a fight. in 2010 I think we broke up and made up every other weekend. Then he met somebody else and even though it took over a year for our relationship to finally be over, our relationship ended.

That year I fell pregnant by another guy, had an abortion and I spent a lot of time begging him to love me and to forgive me for the stupid stuff i'd done over the years. I don't know if he thought I was being insincere or he just wasn't ready to forgive me but it killed me every time we would have a fight and he would be so hateful towards me. I deserved every thing he said to me. I hurt him over and over again and at times I wouldn't care if he cried. If I was hurting or feeling insecure, I wanted him to feel exactly the same pain I felt. I don't remember how we ended things, I just know that even in 2018 it still hurts when I see him, when I see pictures of him or even think about him. 

The hurt comes from a place where I know there is no love for myself. I could never be with him again or love him or non of that. He is a reminder that I can love, hurt and destroy. I loved him for 2 years, in that 2 years we hurt each other immensely and all of that destroyed me. I could never let Sihle take the full blame for the disaster that was our relationship because it takes two to make a relationship. I threw stones at him and he retaliated, isn't that what you are supposed to do when faced with an attack?! I can never say I know why I hurt him the way I did but it pains me to think that I brought hate to him and us. 

Before I met Sihle I had already encountered rejection and if you've ever felt rejected by anyone then you know how it hurts. In boarding school I felt all kinds of rejection, rejection from friends, classmates and even boyfriends. My boyfriend in grade 8 broke up with me because he "needed a girlfriend closer to where he lived". The funny part was I remember being so reluctant to date this guy because even at 14 I didn't want anybody getting close to me and scratching beneath the surface. I don't think I let him in but he made a fool out of me. He started dating the one girl who totally hated my guts and when I asked him about it, he denied it. Boy am I glad this was a relationship without sex because I know it would have killed me. I walked away from that guy because him being honest about it was more important to me than the actual relationship that he had with her. When I think about it now, I didn't care that he started dating her, I cared that he lied to me. People don't ever realise how hurtful lies are. It is always better to be honest than to tell a lie, always. 

A couple of years later I broke another guy's heart. It haunts me every time to think about him. He was madly in love with me and I didn't give two ticks. He could have killed himself in front of me and I wouldn't have cared. Remember I said I was a little bitch. 

Back to the purge, so I decided to deactivate all my social media accounts, which I will later delete. After going through my ex's profile I realised that it wasn't that I still had feelings for him, it was because I never forgave myself for all the things I've done. I looked at him and I wondered if he forgave me and how he managed to love again after our relationship ended so disastrously. 

I've spent the past 7 years trying to kill myself. I gained weight, I am miserable and am very scared to love again. I know 13 year old me wouldn't like what I've become and I know God doesn't either. 

What does this purge mean... Watch this space!!